This is the first installment of this blog and therefore will be longer than most and shorter than some.

This is a story of what could have been a defining moment in the lives of three separate women, joined together only by a mutual acquaintance/friend/future lover… me or as I prefer to refer to myself…I.  

Our tale is not unlike other’s you may have seen or read. Some names have been changed, protecting the guilty and innocent alike.  Ambiguity makes no judgments, holds no court, nor employs a hangman. 

Not too long ago I sent out three identical yet separate invites to three separate yet random women and I received back three separate individual responses.  For a moment please, imagine my trepidation at putting my life into the cold hands of a super computer, which will hence forth be simple referred to as “The Robot or robot”.  It isn’t quite as complicated as it sounds.  A push of a button, a calibration, another push of the same button, and then it was simply 1’s and 0’s after that.  Three names were all I asked for.  Three names were all I received.  No judgment.  No questions of motives.  Three simple names for three ordinary people.  If there is one thing I have learned through all of this is that science, while shrouded in a lot of mystery and math, is actually very easy, so easy in fact that a robot can do it…

What follows was the invitation, an olive branch if you will.  A simple request that echoed throughout the halls of time…

“Date 1: 
Activity: Dinner at a place of your choosing followed by a movie of my choosing at a theater of my choosing. 

Rules.: You must refer to me as Capitan throughout the entire evening. You must drive and pay for dinner. I will pay for the movie and any refreshments during the movie (please eat up at dinner, ha). I will also wear sunglasses and pretend to be blind during the entire evening. While the movie is playing I will repeatedly ask you to explain what is happening in a loud voice.

Goal: To see if we can receive 100 “sshhhh”s during the movie…”

This was the first response I received. Some will say the first sign of intelligent life… others will disagree. 

This was received by “friend/acquaintance/ random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #1” (that is not her real name but simply a clever way to make her more relatable and hide her true, if not frightening, identity)

 (During this section of the blog what they have written will be in black and my commentary will be in red)

“Proposal 1:
I go on your date via Skype (Please feel free to go on my date via skype. I however won’t be joining you because I don’t see how that would be funny.) being as Beijing is too far to access within 5 business days.( I don’t think you understand how airplanes work or where Beijing is) It will add an extra touch for a blind captain to be using video chat to watch a movie. P.S. Are you deaf too? (Yes, my goal is to have 100 people shushing a deaf person…I don’t understand why you think I am some sort of monster.  Handicapped individuals are still people!)
Proposal 2: 
We go on your date here in Beijing.(No) I won't drive to dinner BUT (capitalization is not needed in the middle of a sentence) I will take you on some sort of insane public transportation ride. (No) As for the movie, you will have limited choices on the ones actually played in English but they sell bootlegs at the market for 16 cents so easily fixed.(No)
Proposal 3: 
If neither Proposal 1 or 2 are accepted then I will have to refuse your invitation but do hope you will extend another brilliant offer say Januaryish (not a word).”

I would like to thank “friend/acquaintance/ random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #1” for taking the time out of what I am sure is a busy schedule to respond to my request.  And for being the first one to respond you get 3 points!!! (Points may not be redeemed for money or sexual favors) 

It would appear that the first person The Robot chose for me doesn’t even currently reside in the country or much less in any sort of civilized society and it also appears English might not be her first language.(I don’t get that last part) (It is funny because she is in China teaching English) (Oh I get it, that’s pretty good.) (It is better when you don’t make me stop and explain my jokes) 

I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t discouraged to have my first response so disappointing but one thing you will learn about me is that I am an eternal optimist. 

Only a short couple days later I received my second response.

This one was from Faith Griffen (This is her real name and I have received exclusive permission to use it)

(Just in case you are dumb and already forgot, once again what she wrote is in black and my commentary is in Red)

“Capitan, my Capitan,(I find it very unattractive when people start out sentences with movie quotes) I am a straight girl (TMI) who also has poor vision (don’t care), who simply will not go out with you for the inconvenience of how far of a trek (is someone forcing you to walk?) it is to get to Dallas, TX from Nashville, TN on such short notice. (she literally had days to get here) I was intrigued ever since you first posted that you wanted to do this (scientific) experiment and frankly was overjoyed that the super computer robot picked my name at random. Or maybe you picked me on purpose because you've always liked me, just like I always had a crush on you (Knew it!). Please feel free to use my real name if you choose to use my entry and declination (I don’t know what this word means nor do I have the time or desire to find a dictionary)  in your data (scientific blog). Together maybe we can make each other famous. (I have no desire to make you famous) Maybe this is the launch pad that we both need. (Don’t care what you need) We all need a break. (Don’t care what everyone else needs) I think your idea has potential to snowball (I live in TX nothing “snowballs” here) and be the next "thing". Perhaps you could even become a reality television show off of your idea.(I think what she is trying to say is that my idea could be made into a reality television show and not that I would actually be transformed by magic into a reality television show which would require me to not be human anymore) If it makes it that far, please call me (maybe?).

Female test subject number 3,(I have no idea what this is referring to and find it a little disturbing)

Faith”

Thank you, Faith for your response, it was both entertaining and confusing.  You receive 2 points.

Well the second response was as equally disappointing as the first and for the next day or two I was just about to completely give up.  A large black cloud hung so heavy over my life that my soul literally darkened.  Then just as I was about to remove myself from the public eye I received a lifeline in the form of an acceptance letter…

It was short, to the point, and for a time, life changing… 

(Her= black, Me=red)

“friend/acquaintance/ random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” (also not her real name but different than the first one…notice the #2)

“Dear handsome David (I am the only David receiving these facebook messages so while the adjective “handsome” is appreciated, it is also unnecessary to help distinguish recipient.) I was giddy with excitement to receive your invitation and I whole heartedly and with all my being accept. (ummm ok…) I will be arriving in Dallas on thursday (days of the week are typically capitalized) around 6 to pick you up and have already picked out a succulent restaurant that I would like dine at.  Can’t believe this is finally happening. (You have always wanted to be in a scientific blog??  The date is just for scientific purposes)

XOXOXOXO

Love (I don’t believe in love)

“friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2”

P.S. (Post Script) thinking of you (Me too)”

Thank You “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” for your response and you also receive 2 points.

As you can imagine I was both enthralled by this response and a little turned off by her obvious infatuation.  Still, there is no one I would rather spend time with than someone who is as into me as I am.

Alas my joy was short lived because not 7 hours after I had received the above response I received yet another letter.  This one more unwelcome than anything I could have imagined.

The following will both shock and appall you… read at own risk.

(HIM=black, Me=red)

“Dude, (I’m not your dude, guy!) you don’t know me, but we have an issue. I saw on (The) Facebook that you asked my girlfriend out on a date. It’s not like I’m the jealous type. She’s an independent woman and can make decisions for herself, but before you go forward, I think I should warn about some things. Courtney “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” may appear cool, confident and beautiful to the untrained eye (depends on the lighting). And she is those things... but she has some “habits” that are hard to live with. 

Look, I’m not trying to talk $h#t (not a word and several of those characters are not even letters) about my girlfriend. I’m sticking with her after all, but before you go any further, there are some things you should know:

She uses my toothbrush. (I’m pretty sure that that is illegal)

She always drinks the last of the milk and uses the last of the toilet paper. (at the same time?) She never replaces either.

She likes to baby talk, but only when we’re fooling around. It’s not cute. (I beg to differ)

She yells at homeless people to “get a real job.” (They should)

She has an uncontrollable need (go on) to adopt every stray animal (never mind) she comes across. At one point, we had 4 cats, 2 dogs, a chicken and four frogs.

She is forgetful. Including feeding her adopted pets, which resulted in me having to conduct a mass burial of her animal tribe… in my backyard,(also illegal) because she lives in an apartment.

She has told every single waitress we've ever had and at least 3 waiters to "back off, he's taken..." (stop taking her on dates to gay bars)

She taught her niece and nephew to call me “uncle” after our third date.

She got really drunk at my grandfather’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister. (It’s the new wine my friend)


This is just the start of it… Take her out if you want. Take her off my hands, but just know, that chick is crazy. Felt like it was just good bro code to warn you.(I don’t like it when you use the words “felt”, “good”, “bro”, “you?” in the same sentence) 

If she still wants to go out with you, then great. Go for it. 
It will free me up, which might be cool cause I kind of have a thing for her sister (super hot).”

Shocking… I know!  Well I had to take some time and decide what I was going to do.  I was beyond concerned.  After a stress filled evening and several shots of peach schnapps I decided that the only honorable thing was to withdraw my invitation to “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” and instead ask that she extend the invitation to her sister on my behalf… I have yet to hear anything as of yet.

Thank you for taking the time to read this scientific blog and be sure to check back often.  Tell your friends about it, share it, and follow me on twitter @hethatsearches.    

Points, can in fact, be exchanged for money or sexual favors.