David Goes on a Date

The following blog post will both amaze and amuse.  The format has changed slightly and going forward we will be focusing on one lucky lady at a time, the way that God intended. 

As a recap here is date numbero dos:

“Location: Due to so many hurtful rejections last week based on location, this week, and this week only, I have decided that the location of the date can be in Dallas or…or if the “datee’s” location is cool enough, I’ll come to you…

Activity: Anything- lady’s choice… (just someone please say yes this time).  I’m up for literally, literally, anything! Ok, well anything not lame that is.  I mean I’m not gonna come clean your house or something equally as terrible.  But anything fun like:  riding horses into the sunset, jet skiing, talking about me, watching a sporting event, playing laser tag,  listening to… me talk about myself, watching a movie or going out for live theater.  Literally anything… that I also want to do.   And we could do dinner too, but nothing weird though. Simple American cuisine or perhaps a foreign type of food that I don’t find repulsive…no bugs, please.

Objective: Learn how awesome David is…( shouldn’t be too hard)”

The first response I received was from one Grace Simmons:

(What she has written is in black and my commentary is in brave red)

“Hello (handsome) David.

I would like to cordially thank you for your invitation for a date (You are welcome). You're request sounded quite desperate (Umm, I don’t think so!), so I have decided to take pity on you and accept the offer (I mean, don’t do me any favors). Here are my demands: (Demands?? What is this a hostage situation?)

1. You must drive to Austin for the date (Not likely)
2. You must wear nothing but a scuba suit all day, no matter the heat.(I chafe easily)
3. We will eat hotdogs and drink hot chocolate. (No)
4. We will then go Go Cart Racing for four hours. (I never race for less than 6 hours at a time)
5. You must refer to me as Shatitta and yourself and LaQuasha. (There will be three of us? Also, I don’t understand.)
6. We will talk in french (French) ghetto slang accents for the entirety of the date. (I don’t trust myself with the romantic languages.)
7. Lastly, you MUST make this completely worth my while. (I don’t know what that means exactly, but I don’t think I have a problem with it.  Although… I won’t break any laws; Not God’s nor man’s.)

So, accept my terms, or you will be very sad you have missed a date in which you will learn all about the wonderful (true), amazing (very insightful), absolutely delightful (can’t hear that enough)... me  (Ohhh, I thought all those adjectives were describing me!)”

Well, my first instinct was to say “Thank you… but no thank you.”  I don’t do well with “demands”, “hot chocolate”, or “driving”.  Yet, some thing… stayed my fingers from a hasty reply.  I found myself intrigued by the fact that this woman seemed as into herself as I am into myself.  In the end I decided I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to go on a date with such a person.  (The fact that I looked at her Facebook pics and saw that she was a super hot model had little to no influence on my decision.)

So, Sunday I drove down to the small quaint town of Austin, TX.

 

This is her note I received after our time together

“Good evening (handsome) David,

Although your request for a date was quite desperate, I obliged. I can honestly say, I had a stupendous time! (Take note ladies… stupendous, that’s right, she used the word stupendous.  Desperate can = stupendous.) Although you did not wear a wet suit (I have sensitive skin and they didn’t have a hypoallergenic/organic one that I could rent.), we did not eat hotdogs or drink hot chocolate, go Go Cart Racing, you did not refer to me as Shatitta and yourself as LaQuasha, and we did not speak in french (French) ghetto slang accents, this has all been forgiven.(That’s right, I do what I want!!)

However! Despite the fact that you did not comply with my demands, we did attempt to eat hotdogs, and it was ridiculously warm for hot chocolate. I very much enjoyed bowling rather than waiting an hour to go cart for four hours, good job on your new personal record (300, I scored 300… Well, maybe it was more like 300 times .53).   Also, Shatitta and LaQuasha were included in that event so I suppoooose (suppose) I will accept that. And although we did not speak french (French) ghetto slang, Spanish and french (French) words were readily exchanged during the day/night. I am a little disappointed you were not in a wet suit, that would've been quite the sight. (I’m not sure the world is ready for that.)

In short (Actually, you are quite tall.), I couldn't have imagined spending my day or having such an amazing time with anyone else. (Are y’all getting this??) Thank you   I learned a lot about you (good job) and I hope you learned even more about me (Hmm… no, sorry I was focused on you seeing how fantastic I was)...because I am very awesome, but you already knew that because you spent the whole day with me! I hope to do this again soon...but next time, no slides on the demands!! AKA (Aka.  The whole word doesn’t need to be capitalized.  Also, aka is not a word) you will not be forgiven.

Have a splendid day. Grace (you may obviously use my name)”

Thank you Grace for your time and company you have been awarded 8 points

Not gonna lie, folks…I enjoyed myself and for a moment forgot the bitter sting from all the rejections I received last week. 

I think my favorite part was bowling because it was very easy to see how awesome I was.  The score was right there in bold black numbers saying that I was the winner.  We could have compared our lives, experiences, hardships, trials, triumphs, or talents but why bother if the answer was so simple. She played well and had a respectable score but mine was greater... a lot greater.  She was a good sport considering I don’t believe in gracious winning.  I think it shows weakness and I NEVER show weakness.

Lunch was delicious but the restaurant was kinda loud and I had to shout so that she could hear me, which I actually liked because it allowed me to use my deep, loud voice and I am pretty sure that people at other tables could hear me too.  I think they were impressed because they kept looking over at me and giving me looks.  Also, Grace kept asking me to be a little quieter because she knew that all the other girls were becoming interested.  I told her, “my voice is my own and this is how I like to talk.”  She pretended to be annoyed but I think we both knew it was an act.

As we parted company she said she would call and I said “whatever, babe” and then I drove off into the sunset, birds and butterflies following behind me.  Life is a journey, forever moving forward, upward, onward, higher, in an outwardly application, movement, synergy, teamwork, focus… I forgot what I was going to say but anyway remember this… “When life…” Oh wait just a sec, someone is calling me and OMG it’s her!! I can’t believe she  actually called me!!!  Literally never been more excited!  Uh, I mean… I’m going to let it ring for a couple seconds before I answer.  “Hello. Who is this?  Grace?  Grace who?  Oh yea, from the other night.  How are you?”