No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. Offer void in Utah

I know most of you come to this blog to learn about science and laugh, and while this is a noble desire today we are faced with something more, something terrifying.  I don’t want to say too much.  I will let the text below speak for itself.  What follows started out innocent enough before shaking me to my very core…

Here is the invitation that was sent out:

“Location: Due to so many hurtful rejections last week based on location, this week, and this week only, I have decided that the location of the date can be in Dallas or…or if the “datee’s” location is cool enough, I’ll come to you… 

Activity: Anything- lady’s choice… (just someone please say yes this time). I’m up for literally, literally, anything! Ok, well anything not lame that is. I mean I’m not gonna come clean your house or something equally as terrible. But anything fun like: riding horses into the sunset, jet skiing, talking about me, watching a sporting event, playing laser tag, listening to… me talk about myself, watching a movie or going out for live theater. Literally anything… that I also want to do. And we could do dinner too, but nothing weird though. Simple American cuisine or perhaps a foreign type of food that I don’t find repulsive…no bugs, please.

Objective: Learn how awesome David is…( shouldn’t be too hard)”

(What she wrote is in deceitful black and my commentary is in terrified red)

“Dear (Handsome) David,

Thank you for selecting me at random and extending your generous offer (It really was generous, wasn’t it) for me to plan a date for us.

I’m flattered (I know), but a lot has changed since you and my sister used to hang out “before you got weird and funny,” as she says. (umm what?  Weird? She didn’t, she wouldn’t say such a thing.  The funny and dashing part she got right though)

First of all, I’m still super hot (I know). But I recently moved to Salt Lake City, Utah (Utah?  Is that in Canada) and have converted to an alternative Mormon lifestyle (ohhhhhh).

Also, I am engaged and will be marrying a wonderful man in January.(oh. Congratulations? Or I’m sorry?  I never know how to act in these situations.)

Now, you might be thinking this is yet another rejection (she reads minds!), but you need to stop thinking (That I can do). Part of my alternative Mormon lifestyle allows for a woman to take more than one husband. (All engines stop! Did she just use the “h” word?)Lucky you! (No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.)

Lee, my fiancée, (Isn’t that your brother’s name?) is a great guy and quite funny as well, and I think y’all would get along just swimmingly. (No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  Swimmingly?  What does that even mean? Sounds so…gay. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, dear God what have I done.)

I know this is unconventional, (I didn’t realize it until just now but I love conventional… everything) but it’s a really great situation for me, so I believe very firmly in it. I know you share this belief because you wrote a very convincing essay in college about the Biblical support for a life of polygamy. (Not this…Not this…not this… It wasn’t at all about this!)

If you’d like to explore that further, in addition to the great mountainous state of Utah, I will gladly accept your offer. (I changed my mind.  I changed my mind.  I changed my mind)”

0 points.

After this shocking, shocking offer of marr-, dear God I can’t even type it… marriage (gag, dry heave, gag ) I am going to have to take some time to seriously consider whether or not I will be able to keep my scientific blog up and running.  I knew that when I started this journey that it wouldn’t be easy; that risks would appear, hardships even, but in my all wildest nightmares I never imagined this.  Will I be able to regain my composure, my confidence, my mojo?  I don’t know.  I thought rejections were bad, this… this is infinitely worse.  It stops you dead in your tracks, forcing you to focus on the simplest tasks like breathing and math.  Yet how could I stop?  How can I abandon this endeavor almost before I even begin.  One does not give birth to a child and then leave it to fend for itself moments later.  No. I cannot.  I will not.  Science is my lady and I shall not let one horrifying experience steal what I know will be a breakthrough in scientific social media blogs.  Time will turn my wounds to scars.  Booze will slow my mind and if I am lucky steal away the most terrifying memories.  

A Lucky Rejection

Thanks for finding your way back to this scientific blog.  Thomas Edison once said after 10,000 failed experiments that they were not, in fact, failures but rather he now knew 10,000 ways that his experiment would not work.  What follows, ladies and gentlemen, I believe falls in line with that great man’s thinking.


As a  quick recap here is date numbero dos:
“Location: Due to so many hurtful rejections last week based on location, this week, and this week only, I have decided that the location of the date can be in Dallas or…or if the “datee’s” location is cool enough, I’ll come to you…

Activity: Anything- lady’s choice… (just someone please say yes this time).  I’m up for literally, literally, anything! Ok, well anything not lame that is.  I mean I’m not gonna come clean your house or something equally as terrible.  But anything fun like:  riding horses into the sunset, jet skiing, talking about me, watching a sporting event, playing laser tag,  listening to… me talk about myself, watching a movie or going out for live theater.  Literally anything… that I also want to do.   And we could do dinner too, but nothing weird though. Simple American cuisine or perhaps a foreign type of food that I don’t find repulsive…no bugs, please.

Objective: Learn how awesome David is…( shouldn’t be too hard)”

This is the response I received from one Rebekah:

(Once again what she wrote is in black and my commentary is in hopefully red)

“Alrighty (Handsome) Daved (David).. Let me say I was prepared to accept the research “date” for your scintifec (scientific) blog. HOWEVER you did not want to mosey (I never “mosey” anywhere.  It shows weakness) down the road [to Florida] (why is Florida in [ ] ? It looks ridiculous, don’t do that) so, YOU MISSED OUT? (This sentence is not a question) I was so excited to participate in this scentafic (scientific) blog (What she is too shy to say here is that she was super excited to have the opportunity to go on a date with yours truly) that I ran right out to rent jet-skis and buy tickets to the rays game on Monday (premature). But naaay (that is the sound a horse makes). You won't come.  You wouldn't even consider the idea. So not only are you miscing (missing) out on some AMAZING (You seem to shout a lot, that is not very becoming of a lady) Florida fun, but your blog will also suffer. I'm disappointeded (disappointed, but that was close) in you. (Don’t care) I thought you were a dedicated man.. (Why two periods?) That you would do anything in your power to get the research you needed,(Perhaps you are simply not the “research” that I needed) not sleeping until your blog was completed. Now I see it is just a muse (Do you mean ruse?  A muse is something else entirely). Something to save you from the extra minutes in the day (My day has the same amount of minutes as everyone else, no extra minutes here), the pointless jabber in your mind. (Not a complete sentence.)

Good luck with your new "Hobby" (Who told you I started licking people’s faces after I first meet them?  It’s not a hobby exactly but it makes me happy.)

-Rebekah (Rebecca) “

Well thank you “Rebekah” for taking the time to confirm all of our worse fears about the American education system.  I am sure that we will never quite recover.  I would also like to thank you for living in Florida so that I had a reasonable excuse not to have to spend what I am sure would have been a loud and confusing time, which probably would have ended up with me making some sort of vocabulary flashcards for you to study.

A few things that have helped me in Grad school are: just remember “e” before “I” except after “w”, which almost never happens. Every good boy is shunned by girls but the bad boys have all the fun.  (That stands for “e” is generally before “I” silly but grapes taste best boiled huh Apples taste funny.)  A homeless man in northern Colorado taught me that ditty on a dark night in the middle of a blizzard before peeing on my leg and stealing my backpack full clothes, food, and innocent dreams.

You are awarded -2 points. 

David Goes on a Date

The following blog post will both amaze and amuse.  The format has changed slightly and going forward we will be focusing on one lucky lady at a time, the way that God intended. 

As a recap here is date numbero dos:

“Location: Due to so many hurtful rejections last week based on location, this week, and this week only, I have decided that the location of the date can be in Dallas or…or if the “datee’s” location is cool enough, I’ll come to you…

Activity: Anything- lady’s choice… (just someone please say yes this time).  I’m up for literally, literally, anything! Ok, well anything not lame that is.  I mean I’m not gonna come clean your house or something equally as terrible.  But anything fun like:  riding horses into the sunset, jet skiing, talking about me, watching a sporting event, playing laser tag,  listening to… me talk about myself, watching a movie or going out for live theater.  Literally anything… that I also want to do.   And we could do dinner too, but nothing weird though. Simple American cuisine or perhaps a foreign type of food that I don’t find repulsive…no bugs, please.

Objective: Learn how awesome David is…( shouldn’t be too hard)”

The first response I received was from one Grace Simmons:

(What she has written is in black and my commentary is in brave red)

“Hello (handsome) David.

I would like to cordially thank you for your invitation for a date (You are welcome). You're request sounded quite desperate (Umm, I don’t think so!), so I have decided to take pity on you and accept the offer (I mean, don’t do me any favors). Here are my demands: (Demands?? What is this a hostage situation?)

1. You must drive to Austin for the date (Not likely)
2. You must wear nothing but a scuba suit all day, no matter the heat.(I chafe easily)
3. We will eat hotdogs and drink hot chocolate. (No)
4. We will then go Go Cart Racing for four hours. (I never race for less than 6 hours at a time)
5. You must refer to me as Shatitta and yourself and LaQuasha. (There will be three of us? Also, I don’t understand.)
6. We will talk in french (French) ghetto slang accents for the entirety of the date. (I don’t trust myself with the romantic languages.)
7. Lastly, you MUST make this completely worth my while. (I don’t know what that means exactly, but I don’t think I have a problem with it.  Although… I won’t break any laws; Not God’s nor man’s.)

So, accept my terms, or you will be very sad you have missed a date in which you will learn all about the wonderful (true), amazing (very insightful), absolutely delightful (can’t hear that enough)... me  (Ohhh, I thought all those adjectives were describing me!)”

Well, my first instinct was to say “Thank you… but no thank you.”  I don’t do well with “demands”, “hot chocolate”, or “driving”.  Yet, some thing… stayed my fingers from a hasty reply.  I found myself intrigued by the fact that this woman seemed as into herself as I am into myself.  In the end I decided I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to go on a date with such a person.  (The fact that I looked at her Facebook pics and saw that she was a super hot model had little to no influence on my decision.)

So, Sunday I drove down to the small quaint town of Austin, TX.

 

This is her note I received after our time together

“Good evening (handsome) David,

Although your request for a date was quite desperate, I obliged. I can honestly say, I had a stupendous time! (Take note ladies… stupendous, that’s right, she used the word stupendous.  Desperate can = stupendous.) Although you did not wear a wet suit (I have sensitive skin and they didn’t have a hypoallergenic/organic one that I could rent.), we did not eat hotdogs or drink hot chocolate, go Go Cart Racing, you did not refer to me as Shatitta and yourself as LaQuasha, and we did not speak in french (French) ghetto slang accents, this has all been forgiven.(That’s right, I do what I want!!)

However! Despite the fact that you did not comply with my demands, we did attempt to eat hotdogs, and it was ridiculously warm for hot chocolate. I very much enjoyed bowling rather than waiting an hour to go cart for four hours, good job on your new personal record (300, I scored 300… Well, maybe it was more like 300 times .53).   Also, Shatitta and LaQuasha were included in that event so I suppoooose (suppose) I will accept that. And although we did not speak french (French) ghetto slang, Spanish and french (French) words were readily exchanged during the day/night. I am a little disappointed you were not in a wet suit, that would've been quite the sight. (I’m not sure the world is ready for that.)

In short (Actually, you are quite tall.), I couldn't have imagined spending my day or having such an amazing time with anyone else. (Are y’all getting this??) Thank you   I learned a lot about you (good job) and I hope you learned even more about me (Hmm… no, sorry I was focused on you seeing how fantastic I was)...because I am very awesome, but you already knew that because you spent the whole day with me! I hope to do this again soon...but next time, no slides on the demands!! AKA (Aka.  The whole word doesn’t need to be capitalized.  Also, aka is not a word) you will not be forgiven.

Have a splendid day. Grace (you may obviously use my name)”

Thank you Grace for your time and company you have been awarded 8 points

Not gonna lie, folks…I enjoyed myself and for a moment forgot the bitter sting from all the rejections I received last week. 

I think my favorite part was bowling because it was very easy to see how awesome I was.  The score was right there in bold black numbers saying that I was the winner.  We could have compared our lives, experiences, hardships, trials, triumphs, or talents but why bother if the answer was so simple. She played well and had a respectable score but mine was greater... a lot greater.  She was a good sport considering I don’t believe in gracious winning.  I think it shows weakness and I NEVER show weakness.

Lunch was delicious but the restaurant was kinda loud and I had to shout so that she could hear me, which I actually liked because it allowed me to use my deep, loud voice and I am pretty sure that people at other tables could hear me too.  I think they were impressed because they kept looking over at me and giving me looks.  Also, Grace kept asking me to be a little quieter because she knew that all the other girls were becoming interested.  I told her, “my voice is my own and this is how I like to talk.”  She pretended to be annoyed but I think we both knew it was an act.

As we parted company she said she would call and I said “whatever, babe” and then I drove off into the sunset, birds and butterflies following behind me.  Life is a journey, forever moving forward, upward, onward, higher, in an outwardly application, movement, synergy, teamwork, focus… I forgot what I was going to say but anyway remember this… “When life…” Oh wait just a sec, someone is calling me and OMG it’s her!! I can’t believe she  actually called me!!!  Literally never been more excited!  Uh, I mean… I’m going to let it ring for a couple seconds before I answer.  “Hello. Who is this?  Grace?  Grace who?  Oh yea, from the other night.  How are you?”

This is the first installment of this blog and therefore will be longer than most and shorter than some.

This is a story of what could have been a defining moment in the lives of three separate women, joined together only by a mutual acquaintance/friend/future lover… me or as I prefer to refer to myself…I.  

Our tale is not unlike other’s you may have seen or read. Some names have been changed, protecting the guilty and innocent alike.  Ambiguity makes no judgments, holds no court, nor employs a hangman. 

Not too long ago I sent out three identical yet separate invites to three separate yet random women and I received back three separate individual responses.  For a moment please, imagine my trepidation at putting my life into the cold hands of a super computer, which will hence forth be simple referred to as “The Robot or robot”.  It isn’t quite as complicated as it sounds.  A push of a button, a calibration, another push of the same button, and then it was simply 1’s and 0’s after that.  Three names were all I asked for.  Three names were all I received.  No judgment.  No questions of motives.  Three simple names for three ordinary people.  If there is one thing I have learned through all of this is that science, while shrouded in a lot of mystery and math, is actually very easy, so easy in fact that a robot can do it…

What follows was the invitation, an olive branch if you will.  A simple request that echoed throughout the halls of time…

“Date 1: 
Activity: Dinner at a place of your choosing followed by a movie of my choosing at a theater of my choosing. 

Rules.: You must refer to me as Capitan throughout the entire evening. You must drive and pay for dinner. I will pay for the movie and any refreshments during the movie (please eat up at dinner, ha). I will also wear sunglasses and pretend to be blind during the entire evening. While the movie is playing I will repeatedly ask you to explain what is happening in a loud voice.

Goal: To see if we can receive 100 “sshhhh”s during the movie…”

This was the first response I received. Some will say the first sign of intelligent life… others will disagree. 

This was received by “friend/acquaintance/ random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #1” (that is not her real name but simply a clever way to make her more relatable and hide her true, if not frightening, identity)

 (During this section of the blog what they have written will be in black and my commentary will be in red)

“Proposal 1:
I go on your date via Skype (Please feel free to go on my date via skype. I however won’t be joining you because I don’t see how that would be funny.) being as Beijing is too far to access within 5 business days.( I don’t think you understand how airplanes work or where Beijing is) It will add an extra touch for a blind captain to be using video chat to watch a movie. P.S. Are you deaf too? (Yes, my goal is to have 100 people shushing a deaf person…I don’t understand why you think I am some sort of monster.  Handicapped individuals are still people!)
Proposal 2: 
We go on your date here in Beijing.(No) I won't drive to dinner BUT (capitalization is not needed in the middle of a sentence) I will take you on some sort of insane public transportation ride. (No) As for the movie, you will have limited choices on the ones actually played in English but they sell bootlegs at the market for 16 cents so easily fixed.(No)
Proposal 3: 
If neither Proposal 1 or 2 are accepted then I will have to refuse your invitation but do hope you will extend another brilliant offer say Januaryish (not a word).”

I would like to thank “friend/acquaintance/ random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #1” for taking the time out of what I am sure is a busy schedule to respond to my request.  And for being the first one to respond you get 3 points!!! (Points may not be redeemed for money or sexual favors) 

It would appear that the first person The Robot chose for me doesn’t even currently reside in the country or much less in any sort of civilized society and it also appears English might not be her first language.(I don’t get that last part) (It is funny because she is in China teaching English) (Oh I get it, that’s pretty good.) (It is better when you don’t make me stop and explain my jokes) 

I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t discouraged to have my first response so disappointing but one thing you will learn about me is that I am an eternal optimist. 

Only a short couple days later I received my second response.

This one was from Faith Griffen (This is her real name and I have received exclusive permission to use it)

(Just in case you are dumb and already forgot, once again what she wrote is in black and my commentary is in Red)

“Capitan, my Capitan,(I find it very unattractive when people start out sentences with movie quotes) I am a straight girl (TMI) who also has poor vision (don’t care), who simply will not go out with you for the inconvenience of how far of a trek (is someone forcing you to walk?) it is to get to Dallas, TX from Nashville, TN on such short notice. (she literally had days to get here) I was intrigued ever since you first posted that you wanted to do this (scientific) experiment and frankly was overjoyed that the super computer robot picked my name at random. Or maybe you picked me on purpose because you've always liked me, just like I always had a crush on you (Knew it!). Please feel free to use my real name if you choose to use my entry and declination (I don’t know what this word means nor do I have the time or desire to find a dictionary)  in your data (scientific blog). Together maybe we can make each other famous. (I have no desire to make you famous) Maybe this is the launch pad that we both need. (Don’t care what you need) We all need a break. (Don’t care what everyone else needs) I think your idea has potential to snowball (I live in TX nothing “snowballs” here) and be the next "thing". Perhaps you could even become a reality television show off of your idea.(I think what she is trying to say is that my idea could be made into a reality television show and not that I would actually be transformed by magic into a reality television show which would require me to not be human anymore) If it makes it that far, please call me (maybe?).

Female test subject number 3,(I have no idea what this is referring to and find it a little disturbing)

Faith”

Thank you, Faith for your response, it was both entertaining and confusing.  You receive 2 points.

Well the second response was as equally disappointing as the first and for the next day or two I was just about to completely give up.  A large black cloud hung so heavy over my life that my soul literally darkened.  Then just as I was about to remove myself from the public eye I received a lifeline in the form of an acceptance letter…

It was short, to the point, and for a time, life changing… 

(Her= black, Me=red)

“friend/acquaintance/ random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” (also not her real name but different than the first one…notice the #2)

“Dear handsome David (I am the only David receiving these facebook messages so while the adjective “handsome” is appreciated, it is also unnecessary to help distinguish recipient.) I was giddy with excitement to receive your invitation and I whole heartedly and with all my being accept. (ummm ok…) I will be arriving in Dallas on thursday (days of the week are typically capitalized) around 6 to pick you up and have already picked out a succulent restaurant that I would like dine at.  Can’t believe this is finally happening. (You have always wanted to be in a scientific blog??  The date is just for scientific purposes)

XOXOXOXO

Love (I don’t believe in love)

“friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2”

P.S. (Post Script) thinking of you (Me too)”

Thank You “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” for your response and you also receive 2 points.

As you can imagine I was both enthralled by this response and a little turned off by her obvious infatuation.  Still, there is no one I would rather spend time with than someone who is as into me as I am.

Alas my joy was short lived because not 7 hours after I had received the above response I received yet another letter.  This one more unwelcome than anything I could have imagined.

The following will both shock and appall you… read at own risk.

(HIM=black, Me=red)

“Dude, (I’m not your dude, guy!) you don’t know me, but we have an issue. I saw on (The) Facebook that you asked my girlfriend out on a date. It’s not like I’m the jealous type. She’s an independent woman and can make decisions for herself, but before you go forward, I think I should warn about some things. Courtney “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” may appear cool, confident and beautiful to the untrained eye (depends on the lighting). And she is those things... but she has some “habits” that are hard to live with. 

Look, I’m not trying to talk $h#t (not a word and several of those characters are not even letters) about my girlfriend. I’m sticking with her after all, but before you go any further, there are some things you should know:

She uses my toothbrush. (I’m pretty sure that that is illegal)

She always drinks the last of the milk and uses the last of the toilet paper. (at the same time?) She never replaces either.

She likes to baby talk, but only when we’re fooling around. It’s not cute. (I beg to differ)

She yells at homeless people to “get a real job.” (They should)

She has an uncontrollable need (go on) to adopt every stray animal (never mind) she comes across. At one point, we had 4 cats, 2 dogs, a chicken and four frogs.

She is forgetful. Including feeding her adopted pets, which resulted in me having to conduct a mass burial of her animal tribe… in my backyard,(also illegal) because she lives in an apartment.

She has told every single waitress we've ever had and at least 3 waiters to "back off, he's taken..." (stop taking her on dates to gay bars)

She taught her niece and nephew to call me “uncle” after our third date.

She got really drunk at my grandfather’s funeral. He was a Baptist minister. (It’s the new wine my friend)


This is just the start of it… Take her out if you want. Take her off my hands, but just know, that chick is crazy. Felt like it was just good bro code to warn you.(I don’t like it when you use the words “felt”, “good”, “bro”, “you?” in the same sentence) 

If she still wants to go out with you, then great. Go for it. 
It will free me up, which might be cool cause I kind of have a thing for her sister (super hot).”

Shocking… I know!  Well I had to take some time and decide what I was going to do.  I was beyond concerned.  After a stress filled evening and several shots of peach schnapps I decided that the only honorable thing was to withdraw my invitation to “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover #2” and instead ask that she extend the invitation to her sister on my behalf… I have yet to hear anything as of yet.

Thank you for taking the time to read this scientific blog and be sure to check back often.  Tell your friends about it, share it, and follow me on twitter @hethatsearches.    

Points, can in fact, be exchanged for money or sexual favors.