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Hope is Here..

In the interest of human hope I have decided to shift the focus of my scientific blog.  There are moments  throughout the course of time where specific needs are greater than others and great men rise to the occasion, abandoning their previous goals and dreams to meet the needs of the many.  I believe that this is one of those moments, and so I will rise to the challenge.  Yet, I journey not alone in this quest for the betterment of human hope; with me is The Robot and also Miss. Dr. Susan Dubline (pronounced Doobline) a renowned woman and psychologist.  

This is a proverbial “dream team” of knowledge, wisdom, and raw sexuality, yes Robots are the “new sexy.”  By now I’m sure you’re wondering what noble injustice we have taken upon ourselves to improve – nay, eradicate from the face of the earth, and I will tell you.  As many of you have tried and failed in relationships, I have realized that most of you people are not very good at them, and so we have taken it upon ourselves to help those who cannot or will not help themselves.  For the simple, everyday “working man” and most “women” I understand that being in a successful relationship amounts to something like an “Everest” type challenge.  Let me take this moment to tell you that… Hope is Here.

(Break for applause)

This won’t be a simple “fix all” or “overnight everything is better” or “read this scientific self-help relationship blog once and then everything is magically better” type of blog.  But, if you’re serious about making your life and your relationships better, then yes, this is something you need to be reading and taking very seriously.  And while we don’t deny the existence and power of magic, we believe that an informed scientific approach will make the magic even more powerful.   

We would love to hear from you and help tackle the real issues that are literally, completely destroying your relationships.  Believe me, no question is too big or small, too stupid or wise, too embarrassing or mundane.  We are here to make your life better… Hope is Here.

If you have any relationship questions please email us at Help is Here and we will solve your problem…

Limits...

Once again we find ourselves pushed to the limits of what we promised ourselves that we wouldn’t do, of what we wouldn’t accept as acceptable, and yet science continues to beckon, unconcerned with the emotion price tag that the unknown holds.

Here is a brief recap of the invitation

“The invitation is as follows…
In the interest of science we continue on, pushing the boundaries of what we know and what we think we know about life, social interaction, and the elusive nature of entertainment. Date #3!!
Location: DALLAS. While the experiment of me traveling to the datees location started wonderfully, it ended in such a horrifying way that I have vowed to never again do such a thing… Unless I change my mind.
Activity: We will dress as homeless people, make signs, stand beside a busy intersection until we have made enough money for the rest of the night. Next we will return to my apartment where I will change into nice clothes and you will remain looking like a homeless individual. We will go to a nice restaurant (one where they will let you in looking like a homeless but where it will also draw a lot of attention), you will insist on having a hot female waitress, you will pretend to be my homeless sister, you will tell the story of how I spent thousands of dollars and countless man hours searching for you just so that you would know that someone still loved you to anyone that will listen.

Objective: See how many hot girls numbers you can get me. Goal is 10”

“(Handsome) David,

While your proposal (I am no longer comfortable with the words “proposal, propose, prop”, please refrain from using them in the future.  They have no place in science.” brought about an immense amount of girlish giddiness, ( a “.” Or a “;” would be acceptable here) I was unable to respond until now for several reasons. First, the proposal came during the most hectic week of the year at work and I felt your response deserved my full attention. (You were correct in using your “full attention”.  You were incorrect in putting your “job” ahead of science.) Second, I decided to wait until after I had the chance to see you in person at our 10 year high school reunion where alcohol and Mexican food would be consumed to see if our chemistry was going to be as life-altering as the chemistry your dad used to teach about in science class. (I did not realize that I knew you or that I attended this thing you call “high school” with you, nor that you knew my “father”) Finally, I had to wait to get into my “doctor” for a “Xanax” prescription to calm my nerves in regards to the pressure I felt in responding to your proposal in the interest of science, pushing the boundaries of what we know and what we think we know about life, social interaction, and the elusive nature of entertainment... (I am not surprised to find out that you are a drug addict.)

With that said, here is my long-awaited and much anticipated response (I had actually forgotten that I had sent you a date request) (no doubt you’ll make some red comments about how it isn’t much anticipated...):   (False)

I would love to accompany you in Dallas, dress as a homeless “person”, make signs, and stand beside a busy intersection until we have enough money for the rest of the evening. My homeless “wardrobe” is limited but I’m sure you have some items I can borrow from your years of slumming it and not working in the real world. (I am sure I have no idea what you’re talking about) I’m a fantastic sign maker (many years of practice from “cheerleading”) and combine that with your biting wit and impeccable writing ability (Go on…) (I won’t even mention your dashing good looks) (Well why ever not?  In the future please lead with it.), we’ll undoubtedly be able to get some attention and enough money for the evening within an hour or two. (I am uncomfortable with time constrictions)

Following our street walking time, (okayyy, I am not sure how you “pay” your “doctor” for your “Xanax” but “street walking” and begging are very different.  Neither science or I approve of prostitution.) I’ll patiently (I was not aware that any women knew the meaning of the word “patiently”) wait while you change and then we can head to eat. At dinner, I’ll gladly request a hot waitress and pretend to be your sister that you spent countless amounts of money and time finding... however, perhaps now would be a good time to ask about what your intentions are in regards to the hot girls whose numbers you want. If you are looking for a committed, loving relationship that will put fairy tales to shame, then honesty is probably a better start than lies. If you are looking for anything else, lies will definitely suffice and I’ll happily play your sister. (I think we will stick with the lying for now) I have to admit that 10 hot girl’s numbers was quite an insult... I could easily get twice that amount for you. To prove my adequacy I have included 20 hot girl’s numbers below. Please use responsibly (I never use anything responsibly, it shows weakness and conformity.) and at your own risk

Let me know the date and time of our said homeless date and I’ll be sure my boyfriend is off to chaperone. (ohhhhh…. Boyfriend huh…hmmm… this is awkward… See I don’t believe in chaperones, never have.  I find them restrictive, judgy, and at times combative.  I don’t believe that they have any place in science.)

Always awaiting our next interaction,  (As opposed to not waiting for our next interaction??  I don’t understand how that would work.)
“Kelly”

Hot girl’s numbers: (The last digit of the numbers have changed to protect the innocent and the potentially guilty)
254-716-191X
254-214-533X
254-405-041X
254-715-348X
214-769-026X
254-723-177X
903-746-743X
254-744-027X
254-366-530X
254-716-066X (Hot in the right light)
816-853-456X
903-241-176X
254-855-186X
903-517-683X
903-806-660X
765-247-810X
903-720-258X
254-715-198X
903-283-602X
817-680-827X”

I have changed my mind.  I would rather you just give my number to these 20 “hot chicks” instead of me having to do all the dialing and what have you.  There are like 200 individual numbers here and I bore easily and dashes confuse me. 

Anyway, I mildly admire your “go getter” attitude but fail to find anything else about your response appealing to science or mankind in general; mostly due to the fact of the boyfriend chaperone.  I also hesitate to award points based on previous stated concern.    

Sincerely Disappointed,

Science

Continuing...

Here is the date that was proposed…

(In the interest of science we continue on, pushing the boundaries of what we know and what we think we know about life, social interaction, and the elusive nature of entertainment. Date #3!!
Location: DALLAS. While the experiment of me traveling to the datees location started wonderfully, it ended in such a horrifying way that I have vowed to never again do such a thing… Unless I change my mind.
Activity: We will dress as homeless people, make signs, stand beside a busy intersection until we have made enough money for the rest of the night. Next we will return to my apartment where I will change into nice clothes and you will remain looking like a homeless individual. We will go to a nice restaurant (one where they will let you in looking like a homeless but where it will also draw a lot of attention), you will insist on having a hot female waitress, you will pretend to be my homeless sister, you will tell the story of how I spent thousands of dollars and countless man hours searching for you just so that you would know that someone still loved you to anyone that will listen.

Objective: See how many hot girls numbers you can get me. Goal is 10)

Again, her response is in icy black and my commentary is in warm red…

“Dearest Beastly (Handsome) David,

You cannot image how thrilled I am to be a part of such history (Actually yes I can). Despite the many wonderful attempts men have made at my heart, no plane ride or romantic dinner a mist (what mist?  Ohh did you mean amidst) the Dallas skyline could ever compare to such a man that would rather dedicate his time to be apart (a part) of the homeless community, even if it is to be greedy and take the money they so dearly need (Science and I know no shame). I am a fantastic sales person and believe that we have the ability to make enough money to cover dinner, a new dress, a few minor accessories, and fairly large amount will cover my pay for the experiment (Now it feels like you are being the greedy one.  All I wanted was a few pennies to cover the cost of a simple, elegant meal and a nice scotch). However, I have a few suggestions.

First, under my homeless attire, I should be entitled (very unattractive when a woman uses this word) to a saucy, red dress with diamonds. (I think you are a little confused about dresses and jewelry.  A dress is something you wear to cover your body and diamonds are something you use to decorate yourself, like a Christmas tree.  One is made of cloth and the other is stone.  So a saucy, red dress with diamonds isn’t a real thing.  This is a scientific blog so it is important that we only focus on what is real.) I believe the most effective way to raise money for this date is for you to be homeless and make loud noises like Chewbacca at the dog park downtown and frolic around like a mad man. I will then beg people for money to institutionalize you, my brother. You will then fall to your knees in the water fountain and scream that your soul has been cleansed while ripping off your clothes revealing your second date outfit. We will then walk to the next block as if nothing happened. (No)

We must eat at a restaurant that has a stage. On our date, I prefer to eat a Cesar salad with a medium steak, broccoli and cauliflower. My drink of choice is a kamakazi (kamikaze) that by this point, I will desperately need. If I feel as if things have escalated, I would like shots of Crown Royal Black Label, Jameson, and Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey - the only thing to calm a Tennessee girl down after such a fiasco. So please sir, make this happen.(You want me to try to get you drunk?  I’m not that kind of guy.)

Upon leaving the restaurant, I would like to do a little dance out of my homeless attire and take a bow on the stage I requested earlier. We will then mingle with all the guests and exchange numbers. (Why would they want to mingle with a crazy lady who wore a nice dress under homeless attire?)

I do propose a different way in the distribution of phone numbers though, sweetheart. (Ahh honey, ahh sweety, nooo)

Since all is fair in love and war. (Please explain what “war crimes” are…) (Also Lawyered!!)  I propose that you retrieve ten phone numbers for me. (I’m not a dog.  I don’t “retrieve” things…ever) I prefer a variety of men with specific attributes that I have written down on my Betty Boop notepad. (I never pay attention to a man’s attribute) Please stick to this list and create a profile of each one. (I don’t “create profiles of men”) I believe I'm incapable of choosing a man from the oh-so-important Betty Boop list by myself, so I kindly ask that you take this seriously. (The only things I take seriously are science and my hair.) In return, I promise to get 8 numbers of the hottest women. I will then exchange the last two numbers you requested for two homosexual men so that,(NO)  in theory, your study well (will) be semi-well rounded. I believe ten women would be a large number for one man. (Really because my middle name is Solomon)  Assuming that 4 of the 8 women will turn out to either have attachment or daddy issues in which case you won't have time to deal with this many women on such a large scale. (Umm not a problem… I have an ignore button on my phone.)

If you failed to adhere to my conditions, I must refuse to be apart (a part) of such a study.

Sincerely and Sincerest, (redundant)

Taylor”

Thank you Taylor for taking the time to pound out a response… you are awarded 1 point.

Once again I would like to emphasize that points may NOT be exchanged for money or sexual favors…

People continue to make the mistake of thinking that these outings are about them, when in fact they are about science and me.  These “dates” are not just things I make up off the top of my head, pull out of my ass, nor are they fashioned together from suggestions by coworkers and strangers; they are methodically planned out high tech experiments that have no room for error, improvising, or tinkering. 

It would seem that once again I am cast out into the night alone, with only science to hold me, comfort me, and know me.  I am not discouraged, merely disappointed.  Instead of the clink of wine glasses over a meal I am left with the sounds of beakers clanking together exhaling the hope of our scientific ancestry for what was once a bright and promising future.  Instead of whispers and dinner conversation I have only Robot’s cold, oddly creepy voice to console me as I stare out across the expanse of what might be, of what could be…  In bed I wrap myself up in the dream that Social Media Science (SMS) will soon become a recognized field of scientific study and art.   

Points may in fact be exchanged for money and sexual favors…

A few things you will need to know about "women"

I would like to first apologize for the delayed blog updates but as many of you know when one begins to attempt any scientific endeavor where women are involved delays, tears, and inappropriate emotional things are bound to happen. 

So, as I wait patiently (as all good scientists do) for the selected “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover”s to respond, I thought I would take a few minutes out of my busy day of changing lives and making history to share with you a few things I have learned about the weaker sex.  This term “weaker sex” actually refers to women and not to a poor sexual experience as I, and I am sure many of you, thought when you first heard this term. 

Women are like butter, soft, smooth, forgetful, at times yellowish in color, and best in both small and large doses.  When one is cooking and wants to make something taste better what do you do? That’s right, you add more butter.  So, it goes without saying that more women in your life is always, always a good thing. However, as with many things in life the inverse is also absolutely correct as well.  Going back to our cooking analogy (analogy is not a innuendo for anything, it simply means the example we are using to help explain something.  In science we use many of these, and by these I mean words that sound like they might be innuendos. Osmosis for example, am I right?)  when one is cooking and wants to be healthier what do you do?  That’s right, you stop using butter as much as you can.  So it goes without saying that having less women in your life is probably the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Moving on…

I have heard many men say “I don’t understand women” and at them I laugh.  One should never attempt to understand something that doesn’t make sense.  In science and in life there are times when it doesn’t matter how much research or testing or experiments you do there is literally just no answer.  Gravity for example was at one time thought to be caused by apples.  We now believe that that is not true but, in fact, all fruit play their part in keeping gravity from moving elsewhere, and that is why trees are so important.  STOP cutting down the rainforests people!! Now this of course is just the generally accepted theory, no one really knows.  So gravity like women are best explained by these words “we don’t know.”  And “neither do they.”  It’s like trying to figure out what’s wrong with a crying baby.  When a baby cries you can feed it, burp it, hold it, shush it, speak firmly to it, or threaten it, but these things rarely if ever work.  When a baby cries the best thing to do is to just let it cry itself out.  It’s science.  Also, never ask a woman what is wrong because like a baby she probably doesn’t know.  You don’t ask a baby a question and expect an answer because what babies like to do is to pretend to have a wet diaper and then pee on you when you try to change it. 

I hope that you found this brief and adequate lecture helpful.  If at any point you found yourself confused or doubting me, do yourself a favor and pick up a science book sometime and learn something.  Yes it will be hard because I won’t be there to spoon feed the knowledge to you, but try it, you might even surprise yourself. 

No substitutions, exchanges or refunds. Offer void in Utah

I know most of you come to this blog to learn about science and laugh, and while this is a noble desire today we are faced with something more, something terrifying.  I don’t want to say too much.  I will let the text below speak for itself.  What follows started out innocent enough before shaking me to my very core…

Here is the invitation that was sent out:

“Location: Due to so many hurtful rejections last week based on location, this week, and this week only, I have decided that the location of the date can be in Dallas or…or if the “datee’s” location is cool enough, I’ll come to you… 

Activity: Anything- lady’s choice… (just someone please say yes this time). I’m up for literally, literally, anything! Ok, well anything not lame that is. I mean I’m not gonna come clean your house or something equally as terrible. But anything fun like: riding horses into the sunset, jet skiing, talking about me, watching a sporting event, playing laser tag, listening to… me talk about myself, watching a movie or going out for live theater. Literally anything… that I also want to do. And we could do dinner too, but nothing weird though. Simple American cuisine or perhaps a foreign type of food that I don’t find repulsive…no bugs, please.

Objective: Learn how awesome David is…( shouldn’t be too hard)”

(What she wrote is in deceitful black and my commentary is in terrified red)

“Dear (Handsome) David,

Thank you for selecting me at random and extending your generous offer (It really was generous, wasn’t it) for me to plan a date for us.

I’m flattered (I know), but a lot has changed since you and my sister used to hang out “before you got weird and funny,” as she says. (umm what?  Weird? She didn’t, she wouldn’t say such a thing.  The funny and dashing part she got right though)

First of all, I’m still super hot (I know). But I recently moved to Salt Lake City, Utah (Utah?  Is that in Canada) and have converted to an alternative Mormon lifestyle (ohhhhhh).

Also, I am engaged and will be marrying a wonderful man in January.(oh. Congratulations? Or I’m sorry?  I never know how to act in these situations.)

Now, you might be thinking this is yet another rejection (she reads minds!), but you need to stop thinking (That I can do). Part of my alternative Mormon lifestyle allows for a woman to take more than one husband. (All engines stop! Did she just use the “h” word?)Lucky you! (No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.)

Lee, my fiancée, (Isn’t that your brother’s name?) is a great guy and quite funny as well, and I think y’all would get along just swimmingly. (No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.  Swimmingly?  What does that even mean? Sounds so…gay. No, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, dear God what have I done.)

I know this is unconventional, (I didn’t realize it until just now but I love conventional… everything) but it’s a really great situation for me, so I believe very firmly in it. I know you share this belief because you wrote a very convincing essay in college about the Biblical support for a life of polygamy. (Not this…Not this…not this… It wasn’t at all about this!)

If you’d like to explore that further, in addition to the great mountainous state of Utah, I will gladly accept your offer. (I changed my mind.  I changed my mind.  I changed my mind)”

0 points.

After this shocking, shocking offer of marr-, dear God I can’t even type it… marriage (gag, dry heave, gag ) I am going to have to take some time to seriously consider whether or not I will be able to keep my scientific blog up and running.  I knew that when I started this journey that it wouldn’t be easy; that risks would appear, hardships even, but in my all wildest nightmares I never imagined this.  Will I be able to regain my composure, my confidence, my mojo?  I don’t know.  I thought rejections were bad, this… this is infinitely worse.  It stops you dead in your tracks, forcing you to focus on the simplest tasks like breathing and math.  Yet how could I stop?  How can I abandon this endeavor almost before I even begin.  One does not give birth to a child and then leave it to fend for itself moments later.  No. I cannot.  I will not.  Science is my lady and I shall not let one horrifying experience steal what I know will be a breakthrough in scientific social media blogs.  Time will turn my wounds to scars.  Booze will slow my mind and if I am lucky steal away the most terrifying memories.  

A Lucky Rejection

Thanks for finding your way back to this scientific blog.  Thomas Edison once said after 10,000 failed experiments that they were not, in fact, failures but rather he now knew 10,000 ways that his experiment would not work.  What follows, ladies and gentlemen, I believe falls in line with that great man’s thinking.


As a  quick recap here is date numbero dos:
“Location: Due to so many hurtful rejections last week based on location, this week, and this week only, I have decided that the location of the date can be in Dallas or…or if the “datee’s” location is cool enough, I’ll come to you…

Activity: Anything- lady’s choice… (just someone please say yes this time).  I’m up for literally, literally, anything! Ok, well anything not lame that is.  I mean I’m not gonna come clean your house or something equally as terrible.  But anything fun like:  riding horses into the sunset, jet skiing, talking about me, watching a sporting event, playing laser tag,  listening to… me talk about myself, watching a movie or going out for live theater.  Literally anything… that I also want to do.   And we could do dinner too, but nothing weird though. Simple American cuisine or perhaps a foreign type of food that I don’t find repulsive…no bugs, please.

Objective: Learn how awesome David is…( shouldn’t be too hard)”

This is the response I received from one Rebekah:

(Once again what she wrote is in black and my commentary is in hopefully red)

“Alrighty (Handsome) Daved (David).. Let me say I was prepared to accept the research “date” for your scintifec (scientific) blog. HOWEVER you did not want to mosey (I never “mosey” anywhere.  It shows weakness) down the road [to Florida] (why is Florida in [ ] ? It looks ridiculous, don’t do that) so, YOU MISSED OUT? (This sentence is not a question) I was so excited to participate in this scentafic (scientific) blog (What she is too shy to say here is that she was super excited to have the opportunity to go on a date with yours truly) that I ran right out to rent jet-skis and buy tickets to the rays game on Monday (premature). But naaay (that is the sound a horse makes). You won't come.  You wouldn't even consider the idea. So not only are you miscing (missing) out on some AMAZING (You seem to shout a lot, that is not very becoming of a lady) Florida fun, but your blog will also suffer. I'm disappointeded (disappointed, but that was close) in you. (Don’t care) I thought you were a dedicated man.. (Why two periods?) That you would do anything in your power to get the research you needed,(Perhaps you are simply not the “research” that I needed) not sleeping until your blog was completed. Now I see it is just a muse (Do you mean ruse?  A muse is something else entirely). Something to save you from the extra minutes in the day (My day has the same amount of minutes as everyone else, no extra minutes here), the pointless jabber in your mind. (Not a complete sentence.)

Good luck with your new "Hobby" (Who told you I started licking people’s faces after I first meet them?  It’s not a hobby exactly but it makes me happy.)

-Rebekah (Rebecca) “

Well thank you “Rebekah” for taking the time to confirm all of our worse fears about the American education system.  I am sure that we will never quite recover.  I would also like to thank you for living in Florida so that I had a reasonable excuse not to have to spend what I am sure would have been a loud and confusing time, which probably would have ended up with me making some sort of vocabulary flashcards for you to study.

A few things that have helped me in Grad school are: just remember “e” before “I” except after “w”, which almost never happens. Every good boy is shunned by girls but the bad boys have all the fun.  (That stands for “e” is generally before “I” silly but grapes taste best boiled huh Apples taste funny.)  A homeless man in northern Colorado taught me that ditty on a dark night in the middle of a blizzard before peeing on my leg and stealing my backpack full clothes, food, and innocent dreams.

You are awarded -2 points.