A few things you will need to know about "women"

I would like to first apologize for the delayed blog updates but as many of you know when one begins to attempt any scientific endeavor where women are involved delays, tears, and inappropriate emotional things are bound to happen. 

So, as I wait patiently (as all good scientists do) for the selected “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover”s to respond, I thought I would take a few minutes out of my busy day of changing lives and making history to share with you a few things I have learned about the weaker sex.  This term “weaker sex” actually refers to women and not to a poor sexual experience as I, and I am sure many of you, thought when you first heard this term. 

Women are like butter, soft, smooth, forgetful, at times yellowish in color, and best in both small and large doses.  When one is cooking and wants to make something taste better what do you do? That’s right, you add more butter.  So, it goes without saying that more women in your life is always, always a good thing. However, as with many things in life the inverse is also absolutely correct as well.  Going back to our cooking analogy (analogy is not a innuendo for anything, it simply means the example we are using to help explain something.  In science we use many of these, and by these I mean words that sound like they might be innuendos. Osmosis for example, am I right?)  when one is cooking and wants to be healthier what do you do?  That’s right, you stop using butter as much as you can.  So it goes without saying that having less women in your life is probably the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Moving on…

I have heard many men say “I don’t understand women” and at them I laugh.  One should never attempt to understand something that doesn’t make sense.  In science and in life there are times when it doesn’t matter how much research or testing or experiments you do there is literally just no answer.  Gravity for example was at one time thought to be caused by apples.  We now believe that that is not true but, in fact, all fruit play their part in keeping gravity from moving elsewhere, and that is why trees are so important.  STOP cutting down the rainforests people!! Now this of course is just the generally accepted theory, no one really knows.  So gravity like women are best explained by these words “we don’t know.”  And “neither do they.”  It’s like trying to figure out what’s wrong with a crying baby.  When a baby cries you can feed it, burp it, hold it, shush it, speak firmly to it, or threaten it, but these things rarely if ever work.  When a baby cries the best thing to do is to just let it cry itself out.  It’s science.  Also, never ask a woman what is wrong because like a baby she probably doesn’t know.  You don’t ask a baby a question and expect an answer because what babies like to do is to pretend to have a wet diaper and then pee on you when you try to change it. 

I hope that you found this brief and adequate lecture helpful.  If at any point you found yourself confused or doubting me, do yourself a favor and pick up a science book sometime and learn something.  Yes it will be hard because I won’t be there to spoon feed the knowledge to you, but try it, you might even surprise yourself.