Limits...

Once again we find ourselves pushed to the limits of what we promised ourselves that we wouldn’t do, of what we wouldn’t accept as acceptable, and yet science continues to beckon, unconcerned with the emotion price tag that the unknown holds.

Here is a brief recap of the invitation

“The invitation is as follows…
In the interest of science we continue on, pushing the boundaries of what we know and what we think we know about life, social interaction, and the elusive nature of entertainment. Date #3!!
Location: DALLAS. While the experiment of me traveling to the datees location started wonderfully, it ended in such a horrifying way that I have vowed to never again do such a thing… Unless I change my mind.
Activity: We will dress as homeless people, make signs, stand beside a busy intersection until we have made enough money for the rest of the night. Next we will return to my apartment where I will change into nice clothes and you will remain looking like a homeless individual. We will go to a nice restaurant (one where they will let you in looking like a homeless but where it will also draw a lot of attention), you will insist on having a hot female waitress, you will pretend to be my homeless sister, you will tell the story of how I spent thousands of dollars and countless man hours searching for you just so that you would know that someone still loved you to anyone that will listen.

Objective: See how many hot girls numbers you can get me. Goal is 10”

“(Handsome) David,

While your proposal (I am no longer comfortable with the words “proposal, propose, prop”, please refrain from using them in the future.  They have no place in science.” brought about an immense amount of girlish giddiness, ( a “.” Or a “;” would be acceptable here) I was unable to respond until now for several reasons. First, the proposal came during the most hectic week of the year at work and I felt your response deserved my full attention. (You were correct in using your “full attention”.  You were incorrect in putting your “job” ahead of science.) Second, I decided to wait until after I had the chance to see you in person at our 10 year high school reunion where alcohol and Mexican food would be consumed to see if our chemistry was going to be as life-altering as the chemistry your dad used to teach about in science class. (I did not realize that I knew you or that I attended this thing you call “high school” with you, nor that you knew my “father”) Finally, I had to wait to get into my “doctor” for a “Xanax” prescription to calm my nerves in regards to the pressure I felt in responding to your proposal in the interest of science, pushing the boundaries of what we know and what we think we know about life, social interaction, and the elusive nature of entertainment... (I am not surprised to find out that you are a drug addict.)

With that said, here is my long-awaited and much anticipated response (I had actually forgotten that I had sent you a date request) (no doubt you’ll make some red comments about how it isn’t much anticipated...):   (False)

I would love to accompany you in Dallas, dress as a homeless “person”, make signs, and stand beside a busy intersection until we have enough money for the rest of the evening. My homeless “wardrobe” is limited but I’m sure you have some items I can borrow from your years of slumming it and not working in the real world. (I am sure I have no idea what you’re talking about) I’m a fantastic sign maker (many years of practice from “cheerleading”) and combine that with your biting wit and impeccable writing ability (Go on…) (I won’t even mention your dashing good looks) (Well why ever not?  In the future please lead with it.), we’ll undoubtedly be able to get some attention and enough money for the evening within an hour or two. (I am uncomfortable with time constrictions)

Following our street walking time, (okayyy, I am not sure how you “pay” your “doctor” for your “Xanax” but “street walking” and begging are very different.  Neither science or I approve of prostitution.) I’ll patiently (I was not aware that any women knew the meaning of the word “patiently”) wait while you change and then we can head to eat. At dinner, I’ll gladly request a hot waitress and pretend to be your sister that you spent countless amounts of money and time finding... however, perhaps now would be a good time to ask about what your intentions are in regards to the hot girls whose numbers you want. If you are looking for a committed, loving relationship that will put fairy tales to shame, then honesty is probably a better start than lies. If you are looking for anything else, lies will definitely suffice and I’ll happily play your sister. (I think we will stick with the lying for now) I have to admit that 10 hot girl’s numbers was quite an insult... I could easily get twice that amount for you. To prove my adequacy I have included 20 hot girl’s numbers below. Please use responsibly (I never use anything responsibly, it shows weakness and conformity.) and at your own risk

Let me know the date and time of our said homeless date and I’ll be sure my boyfriend is off to chaperone. (ohhhhh…. Boyfriend huh…hmmm… this is awkward… See I don’t believe in chaperones, never have.  I find them restrictive, judgy, and at times combative.  I don’t believe that they have any place in science.)

Always awaiting our next interaction,  (As opposed to not waiting for our next interaction??  I don’t understand how that would work.)
“Kelly”

Hot girl’s numbers: (The last digit of the numbers have changed to protect the innocent and the potentially guilty)
254-716-191X
254-214-533X
254-405-041X
254-715-348X
214-769-026X
254-723-177X
903-746-743X
254-744-027X
254-366-530X
254-716-066X (Hot in the right light)
816-853-456X
903-241-176X
254-855-186X
903-517-683X
903-806-660X
765-247-810X
903-720-258X
254-715-198X
903-283-602X
817-680-827X”

I have changed my mind.  I would rather you just give my number to these 20 “hot chicks” instead of me having to do all the dialing and what have you.  There are like 200 individual numbers here and I bore easily and dashes confuse me. 

Anyway, I mildly admire your “go getter” attitude but fail to find anything else about your response appealing to science or mankind in general; mostly due to the fact of the boyfriend chaperone.  I also hesitate to award points based on previous stated concern.    

Sincerely Disappointed,

Science

Continuing...

Here is the date that was proposed…

(In the interest of science we continue on, pushing the boundaries of what we know and what we think we know about life, social interaction, and the elusive nature of entertainment. Date #3!!
Location: DALLAS. While the experiment of me traveling to the datees location started wonderfully, it ended in such a horrifying way that I have vowed to never again do such a thing… Unless I change my mind.
Activity: We will dress as homeless people, make signs, stand beside a busy intersection until we have made enough money for the rest of the night. Next we will return to my apartment where I will change into nice clothes and you will remain looking like a homeless individual. We will go to a nice restaurant (one where they will let you in looking like a homeless but where it will also draw a lot of attention), you will insist on having a hot female waitress, you will pretend to be my homeless sister, you will tell the story of how I spent thousands of dollars and countless man hours searching for you just so that you would know that someone still loved you to anyone that will listen.

Objective: See how many hot girls numbers you can get me. Goal is 10)

Again, her response is in icy black and my commentary is in warm red…

“Dearest Beastly (Handsome) David,

You cannot image how thrilled I am to be a part of such history (Actually yes I can). Despite the many wonderful attempts men have made at my heart, no plane ride or romantic dinner a mist (what mist?  Ohh did you mean amidst) the Dallas skyline could ever compare to such a man that would rather dedicate his time to be apart (a part) of the homeless community, even if it is to be greedy and take the money they so dearly need (Science and I know no shame). I am a fantastic sales person and believe that we have the ability to make enough money to cover dinner, a new dress, a few minor accessories, and fairly large amount will cover my pay for the experiment (Now it feels like you are being the greedy one.  All I wanted was a few pennies to cover the cost of a simple, elegant meal and a nice scotch). However, I have a few suggestions.

First, under my homeless attire, I should be entitled (very unattractive when a woman uses this word) to a saucy, red dress with diamonds. (I think you are a little confused about dresses and jewelry.  A dress is something you wear to cover your body and diamonds are something you use to decorate yourself, like a Christmas tree.  One is made of cloth and the other is stone.  So a saucy, red dress with diamonds isn’t a real thing.  This is a scientific blog so it is important that we only focus on what is real.) I believe the most effective way to raise money for this date is for you to be homeless and make loud noises like Chewbacca at the dog park downtown and frolic around like a mad man. I will then beg people for money to institutionalize you, my brother. You will then fall to your knees in the water fountain and scream that your soul has been cleansed while ripping off your clothes revealing your second date outfit. We will then walk to the next block as if nothing happened. (No)

We must eat at a restaurant that has a stage. On our date, I prefer to eat a Cesar salad with a medium steak, broccoli and cauliflower. My drink of choice is a kamakazi (kamikaze) that by this point, I will desperately need. If I feel as if things have escalated, I would like shots of Crown Royal Black Label, Jameson, and Jack Daniel's Tennessee Whiskey - the only thing to calm a Tennessee girl down after such a fiasco. So please sir, make this happen.(You want me to try to get you drunk?  I’m not that kind of guy.)

Upon leaving the restaurant, I would like to do a little dance out of my homeless attire and take a bow on the stage I requested earlier. We will then mingle with all the guests and exchange numbers. (Why would they want to mingle with a crazy lady who wore a nice dress under homeless attire?)

I do propose a different way in the distribution of phone numbers though, sweetheart. (Ahh honey, ahh sweety, nooo)

Since all is fair in love and war. (Please explain what “war crimes” are…) (Also Lawyered!!)  I propose that you retrieve ten phone numbers for me. (I’m not a dog.  I don’t “retrieve” things…ever) I prefer a variety of men with specific attributes that I have written down on my Betty Boop notepad. (I never pay attention to a man’s attribute) Please stick to this list and create a profile of each one. (I don’t “create profiles of men”) I believe I'm incapable of choosing a man from the oh-so-important Betty Boop list by myself, so I kindly ask that you take this seriously. (The only things I take seriously are science and my hair.) In return, I promise to get 8 numbers of the hottest women. I will then exchange the last two numbers you requested for two homosexual men so that,(NO)  in theory, your study well (will) be semi-well rounded. I believe ten women would be a large number for one man. (Really because my middle name is Solomon)  Assuming that 4 of the 8 women will turn out to either have attachment or daddy issues in which case you won't have time to deal with this many women on such a large scale. (Umm not a problem… I have an ignore button on my phone.)

If you failed to adhere to my conditions, I must refuse to be apart (a part) of such a study.

Sincerely and Sincerest, (redundant)

Taylor”

Thank you Taylor for taking the time to pound out a response… you are awarded 1 point.

Once again I would like to emphasize that points may NOT be exchanged for money or sexual favors…

People continue to make the mistake of thinking that these outings are about them, when in fact they are about science and me.  These “dates” are not just things I make up off the top of my head, pull out of my ass, nor are they fashioned together from suggestions by coworkers and strangers; they are methodically planned out high tech experiments that have no room for error, improvising, or tinkering. 

It would seem that once again I am cast out into the night alone, with only science to hold me, comfort me, and know me.  I am not discouraged, merely disappointed.  Instead of the clink of wine glasses over a meal I am left with the sounds of beakers clanking together exhaling the hope of our scientific ancestry for what was once a bright and promising future.  Instead of whispers and dinner conversation I have only Robot’s cold, oddly creepy voice to console me as I stare out across the expanse of what might be, of what could be…  In bed I wrap myself up in the dream that Social Media Science (SMS) will soon become a recognized field of scientific study and art.   

Points may in fact be exchanged for money and sexual favors…

A few things you will need to know about "women"

I would like to first apologize for the delayed blog updates but as many of you know when one begins to attempt any scientific endeavor where women are involved delays, tears, and inappropriate emotional things are bound to happen. 

So, as I wait patiently (as all good scientists do) for the selected “friend/acquaintance/random hot person that I found on facebook or met that one time/future lover”s to respond, I thought I would take a few minutes out of my busy day of changing lives and making history to share with you a few things I have learned about the weaker sex.  This term “weaker sex” actually refers to women and not to a poor sexual experience as I, and I am sure many of you, thought when you first heard this term. 

Women are like butter, soft, smooth, forgetful, at times yellowish in color, and best in both small and large doses.  When one is cooking and wants to make something taste better what do you do? That’s right, you add more butter.  So, it goes without saying that more women in your life is always, always a good thing. However, as with many things in life the inverse is also absolutely correct as well.  Going back to our cooking analogy (analogy is not a innuendo for anything, it simply means the example we are using to help explain something.  In science we use many of these, and by these I mean words that sound like they might be innuendos. Osmosis for example, am I right?)  when one is cooking and wants to be healthier what do you do?  That’s right, you stop using butter as much as you can.  So it goes without saying that having less women in your life is probably the healthiest thing you can do for yourself.

Moving on…

I have heard many men say “I don’t understand women” and at them I laugh.  One should never attempt to understand something that doesn’t make sense.  In science and in life there are times when it doesn’t matter how much research or testing or experiments you do there is literally just no answer.  Gravity for example was at one time thought to be caused by apples.  We now believe that that is not true but, in fact, all fruit play their part in keeping gravity from moving elsewhere, and that is why trees are so important.  STOP cutting down the rainforests people!! Now this of course is just the generally accepted theory, no one really knows.  So gravity like women are best explained by these words “we don’t know.”  And “neither do they.”  It’s like trying to figure out what’s wrong with a crying baby.  When a baby cries you can feed it, burp it, hold it, shush it, speak firmly to it, or threaten it, but these things rarely if ever work.  When a baby cries the best thing to do is to just let it cry itself out.  It’s science.  Also, never ask a woman what is wrong because like a baby she probably doesn’t know.  You don’t ask a baby a question and expect an answer because what babies like to do is to pretend to have a wet diaper and then pee on you when you try to change it. 

I hope that you found this brief and adequate lecture helpful.  If at any point you found yourself confused or doubting me, do yourself a favor and pick up a science book sometime and learn something.  Yes it will be hard because I won’t be there to spoon feed the knowledge to you, but try it, you might even surprise yourself.